Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me