Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I am yelling
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!