Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
become ungovernable
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide