I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you