God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
i have one speed and it’s mosey
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong