i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You Might Also Like
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Oh, I bet you would be
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.