I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
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Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice