STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
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I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Not messing around
There is no “we” in pizza
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]