Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
also my go-to takeaway order
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
thanks auntie mary
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL