Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
The Compass
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting