One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
This is a true ally.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.