Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
road rage
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
There is no “ea” in Tim.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.