You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?