My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
New tinder profile pic
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.