Missionary, so we can keep arguing
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
the answer was staring at me all along
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.