Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
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1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Fries, not lies.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
This was the best day of my life
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.