you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
You Might Also Like
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.