Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign