Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”