H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
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[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I hope it’s French Onion!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.