Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…