boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.