Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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Siri: Retweet me.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON