Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
adam and eve had first world problems
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated