Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
catch me on valentine’s day like
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.