I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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*skinny dips into black hole
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
#MeanwhileinCanada
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?