If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
the icebreaker
Practicing safe sax
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Breaking news:
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”