water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
For when Tinder doesn’t work