I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today