theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
respect
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.