Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one