pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.