ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
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What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.