A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
A ghost story
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
When ur friends with white people
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…