My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
You Might Also Like
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Perfection.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.