Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Sponch
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.