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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
🤣
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils