I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately