“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
This is the best one I’ve seen
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
#NoRestForTheWicked
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water