Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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stand with me against insufficient seating
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The smoothest fall of all time
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.