Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
tell em, edith-anne
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously