My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
and now we wait
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Get off my horse you stupid moon