*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
You Might Also Like
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
*limbos under the caution tape
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
goldfish mafia