Lmao 🤣
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Meow?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.