ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
This is my favorite one of these!
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids