u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard