Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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just got my engagement photos
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.