[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]