a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
😂🤣😂🤣
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*