Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.